My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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