I could make wine with my vomit
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
