so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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