I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
