tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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