mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
