was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
