Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
