I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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