Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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