I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
