i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
