The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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