i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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