and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
