i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
