I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
