Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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