My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
