So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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