My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
