she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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