This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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