every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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