i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
