I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
