He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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