can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
