Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
