when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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