I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
