I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize