I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
