We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
