If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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