I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
