I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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