His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
