I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So much rum. So many feels.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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