I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
