i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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