I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
