my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
