I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
