i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
