Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
