I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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