I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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