when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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