it wasn't lemon gatorade
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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