The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
