I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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