can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
