I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
