Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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