just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
