I faked an abortion last night.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
