I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
wow bdsm is so cute
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
