It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
